When Things Fall Apart...
You need insight
When everything falls apart where do you draw from? Where do you turn to for support and the strength to carry on, rebuild and start over?
We all live our lives in the hope that the worst will never happen but sometimes it does and that’s when we realise exactly the tools and resources we have to support ourselves.
For me the worst thing happened in 2013 when I lost my beloved husband Ande to cancer. Although he had been sick for a long time and we knew he was terminal it was still a shock. I was 43 years old and in the days after his death I questioned my own existence. “why am I still here?” I felt that without him my life no longer had purpose. “It should have been me not him”
My experience I now know is not that unusual for someone experiencing deep grief and loss. In those darkest days my personal toolbox for navigating my loss proved woefully inadequate.
I knew I needed help but I didn’t know how to ask for it
I felt at overwhelmed by how to manage and understand all of the big and difficult emotions that were raging through me. I was buffeted by waves of anger, sadness and despair. I felt all of my dreams and plans for the future had been ripped away and I couldn’t trust that I would ever have anything to look forward to again.
I had studied and had degrees and qualifications but nothing had prepared me for how to even begin support myself through such a massive and painful life change.
Through all of it, even the darkest parts of my grief I felt determined to make Ande’s life mean something, to create a legacy worthy of the wonderful man that he was.
Nine years on my life looks very different. In 2016 I swapped my 6 figure corporate job for self-employment, retraining in Professional and NLP coaching and developing my long ignored intuitive skills to support others through their life challenges and darkest days.
My work as a coach has really illustrated for me how few skills most of us have for navigating change and uncertainty and how asking for help is still very much seen as a weakness for many New Zealanders. I have become passionate about supporting others to develop a strong inner toolbox of resources to draw from, not only when things go wrong but as a way of building a relationship with yourself and what it is that you want for your life.
My mission and Ande’s legacy is to support my clients to develop a wellspring of inner resourcefulness. Change is inevitable but being able to navigate change from a place of resilience, confidence and empowerment makes life’s challenges a whole lot easier.
So how do you begin to develop your inner toolbox?
Developing a strong relationship with yourself is key. When you know yourself, your values and what’s important to you everything becomes easier.
Check in with yourself daily and ask how am I really feeling, what is showing up for me that needs my attention
Create some supportive practices in your daily routine that allow you an opportunity to pause and reflect for example: journaling, walking in nature, meditation or regular quiet time to allow your thoughts and feelings space.
Shift your mindset: how can you see the events in your life in a different light eg: what can I learn about myself from this? What support is this showing me I need?
Identify where you feel stuck and get some support (a big one here for me was believing I had to do everything myself which set me up to find asking for help impossibly hard.)
Look for ways to support yourself that feel really good. For me its reiki and meditation but for you it might be something else completely.
In summary, life will always deliver the unexpected ( I write this from the couch with a broken ankle) but you can develop your inner toolbox to make managing the unexpected a little bit easier and in doing that you may just create a new version of your life that you can fall in love with all over again.
Written By Paula McFarlane
